A more humorous Conservative Manifesto

The Conservative Manifesto according to the book How to Win a Fight with a Liberal.

Conservatives believe in an honest days work, family values, free enterprise, keeping what you earn and killing them before they kill us.

Conservatives believe in NASCAR, neighborhood barbecues, Sunday sermons, the Ten Commandments, fair and balanced news, faithfully interpreting the Constitution, and that America would be a safer place if Clinton had spent his eight years in office protecting America rather than fiddling with cigars and porking chubby girls.

Conservatives believe in a shining city on a hill, and in protecting that shining city from terrorists, illegal aliens, and social warfare parasites.

Conservatives believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment requiring that every liberal who threatens to move to Canada actually has to move to Canada.

Conservatives believe if there is such a thing as global warming and if rising oceans flood the planet, you're going to need a bad-ass SUV to get around.

Conservatives believe any short list for secretary of defense should include Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and Iron Man.

Conservatives believe in moments of silence, border security, terrorist surveillance, preemptive war, the power of the markets, states' rights, the right to life, liberating people so they may live in freedom, and that listening to Hollywood liberals talk about values is like listening to the French talk about military deterrence.

And above all, conservatives have unwavering faith in the strength and character of the American people and every confidence that our great nation will triumph over the twin evils of our time - terrorism and liberalism.